We’ve had a hard run lately. Max has been nursing like a newborn it seems and thoughts of weaning have entered my mind. Or at least night weaning. For my sanity’s sake. Jemma is myself reincarnate and as much as I’d like to say that means she’s an absolute doll, it rather means that she knows what she wants and will stop at nothing less than flying to the moon to get it. And girl will do A LOT to watch her favorite show and eat her beloved chocolate.
Sometimes all I can do is shake my head. I shake at how amazing motherhood is. How I rock these tiny people to sleep and could then watch them in their stillness for hours. Feeling their breathe go in and out, their tiny stirs and sometimes their incoherent mumbles. I ache for them to wake up and embark on another day’s adventure with me. Every day is full. So full of pure joy with these two. Max’s giddy laugh when he sees a horse or dog. His near gallop with excitement over … everything. Jemma’s constant conversation and witty words. Her determined spirit to make every moment an unforgettable highlight. Even their bickering tends to end in playful wrestling or a dance-a-thon.
Then again, I shake my head at how crazy I feel sometimes. How I would love to take a shower without an audience or eat an entire meal in one sitting. At times I’ll think back through the week and can’t remember … yeah, I just can’t remember – a moment’s peace, something I didn’t share, a few hours where I was the old me. At the end of the day it leaves me feeling tired and empty. But so full too.
I suppose this is the paradox of motherhood.
And rather than feeling stuck in the middle, I remind myself to embrace all the goodness and craziness in its raw, beautiful and messy form. I pray for less bursts of frustration and more understanding. I yearn for a servant’s heart where I dig deep and find more to give, more to share and more to invest. I hold on to encouraging mementos like this poem from Franki Elliot. It’s everything I want my tomorrow to be.
it’s easy (almost cowardly)
to be a grump, to complain
about everything and be negative.
it’s harder (and much more admirable)
to wear a smile all the time,
to be happy and laughing constantly,
to find grace and tiny bits of joy
in any situation …
and it is those who laugh + smile
all the time that are most
worth being around. never stop smiling.
How has motherhood been treating you lately? Want to find grace and tiny bits of joy with me? Let’s do it together :) And then when we’re old and gray and blogs are a funny thing of the past we can reminisce about these wild, crazy days. And I’m sure we’ll shed a few tears too, because don’t the crazy days always make the best memories? Yes, yes they do.