Yogi I Am Not

It’s been two years since my last yoga class. Actually, it feels like yesterday, but that’s how things go with little people running your life – time flies at warp speed while oddly moving at a sluggish pace too. Irony.
Anyways, I marched myself to Happy Hour yoga last Friday expecting a little stretch, relaxation and some of that good ol’ namaste. What I left you, you ask … a really sweaty sports bra (although I still love and highly recommend it) and a need for stock in Deep Blue.
Here’s the breakdown …
Yoga Instructor: Would you like a new student discount card?
Me: Totally! Such a great deal! This is the perfect time because my mom can watch my kids. I can’t wait to get back into yoga since I had my baby. I did leave out that part that my “baby” is almost two. 
She peacefully, in a yoga style, nods and looks at me like I’m on speed. Which I’m not. I only drink decaf. And eat these like they’re going out of style. Which, PSA, if you still have these at your Costco, BUY THEM ALL. Ours is out and I fear they’re not coming back.
Yoga Instructor: (paraphrased) Let’s begin a vinyasa (is that how you spell it?) flow – downward dog, lunge to high plank, low plank, cooooooobra, warrior, warrior 2, warrior 4, warrior 9, reach to the sun … breathe in, breathe out … and FLOW AGAIN!
Me: WTF, flow! I’m out of breathe and this is supposed to be my hour of peace for the week! Again? High plank, low plank sounds awfully like a push up and Gretchen does not do those. By now I’m sure I look like a dead cobra even though I’m somehow hoping I look more like this …

My hair was in a bun and I was wearing a tank … so, kinda maybe? Perhaps after a few weeks.
Yoga Instructor: Great work, great effort, with a sneaky nod towards me as she says “effort”. Now, let’s all move our mats to the wall to practice headstands.
Me: Oh. My. Goodness. Did I fall down a rabbit hole into some advanced yoga class??? HEADSTAND?!?!?!
I moved my mat to the wall. Because what else was I supposed to do? Sit in the middle of the studio and stare in awe as everyone else hoisted their booties into the air? I was hoping and praying for the little beginner disclaimer or modification instructions – no such thing came. 
She talked us through a sturdy base as I willed myself to be absorbed into the brick wall. I closed my eyes like I was hard-core meditating and just focused on perfecting a strong base. While 5+ people popped into beautiful headstands, me and one other gal and an older dude sat criss-cross with smiles and dropping jaws. Praise the Lord I wasn’t the only non-headstander in our bunch.
Thankfully, we moved into child pose and then the rest-on-your-back-and-relax/almost-fall-asleep pose shortly after the headstand saga and I finally stopped sweating from flows and headstand stress.
Yep, yoga was a real treat this week. And if I ever stop feeling sore, I might even try to a practice run before next Friday’s class with my BEGINNER’S DVD that I snagged for $8 at Costco. Practice makes perfect, right?
Last, but not least …
My yoga must have – one + two
My yoga question – Necessary? Cute?
My yoga dream

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6 thoughts on “Yogi I Am Not

  1. Mary

    Hilarious. I hope to start doing a video after this baby arrives, but I am definitely not brave enough for a class!

    Reply
  2. Bianca

    Back in my pre-baby, fresh newlywed stage I used to go to 24 hr fitness and my favorite thing to do was go to the spin class and immediately follow up with a yoga class. that's whooped my trash into shape!! However, upon further reflection, breastfeeding whoops my trash into shape faster and with less effort. ;)

    Reply
  3. Anna

    I just joined yogaglo a few months ago and it's amazing. So many different class videos and all sorted by time and difficulty. I do yoga after the boy goes to bed now, and as an additional benefit I'm totally avoiding pregnancy insomnia so far.

    Reply
  4. Laura Burns

    I went to a yoga class a few months ago and while I loved it, I think I'm safer with Jillian Michael's yoga version at home. There were a few sideways glances at me from the instructor which I keep telling myself was due to her just fussing over a new student and not my flabby midsection. However, that sun salutation flow thing you talked about? Favorite thing in the world. I feel so strong and graceful, although I probably really look like our pug stretching, but hey, it's about how *I* feel, right??

    Reply
  5. Olivia

    Go to yogaglo.com and try the trial membership. It is an amazing website with tons of classes and even tutorials on how to get into those hand stands! Every level of expertise and it's super affordable. Best part, it's like taking a real class and you won't get as bored as you do with a DVD. Good luck!!

    Reply

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