Day #21 – Fears

Toss out the hyper-happiness, you can’t expect me to be uber-thrilled all the time about this thing called birth and mothering. Yep, 30 Days to Baby is debuting a mound of fear today.

I’m not generally a fearful person. Weird since I watch so much 20/20, Dateline and CSI. Those shows should give me mega-nightmares about all the bad in the world. But, no … I apparently weather that kind of fear just fine. Perhaps it’s the “It Won’t Happen to Me” syndrome. What really gets me going is the reality of what will happen to me … and soon.

Over the course of my pregnancy I have had a handful of meltdowns. These meltdowns can be categorized into three pretty little piles called: BIRTH, BREASTFEEDING and RETURNING TO WORK.

I’ve never birthed anything before. It might not go the way I planned. I might tear … down there. I might end up going to the hospital. I might give up. I might have complications. Or worse, my baby might have complications.

Latching and supply = scary words. I would like both to go smoothly. What if they don’t? What if I’m not cut out to be a breastfeeding mom?

This is the big one and it links back to breastfeeding, because what if I have a hard time breastfeeding, then I go back to work and I give up? I mean, I quite junior high basketball because I sucked at it, but this is different. This is way more important than basketball. What if I can’t convince myself to function during the day because I miss my baby and {gasp} feel like a bad mama for leaving.

I am sure you can imagine how these meltdowns spiral downward. Not pretty. Obviously on most days I have a good grip on reality. I know most of these things won’t happen, but I still worry.

That’s that. Done with the drama for today. All in all, I’m just fine, but wowser … this whole motherhood thing can really get your mind spinning!

Oh, and on a more fun note … Last night I had a dream I was in a breast pumping competition. Dear Lord, help me! I can’t decide what to eat for lunch today. I am hungry, but nothing is triggering my “I MUST HAVE THIS NOW” reflux.

Oh, baby … Don’t think I’m not pulled together. I am. But you know how you are going to cry sometimes. It looks like I will too. But I’ll comfort you and you’ll comfort me and life will go on and we’ll be a happy, healthy mama/baby duo. You can count on that :)

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  1. says

    Oh My Dear Gretchen…I remember worrying too about all 3 of these things …exactly 24 years ago…and WE made it just fine:) I think that's just an indication of a mama wanting to do the very best for her baby….and you will! You will do your best, with lots of support and God will be right there with you!

  2. says

    I just came across your blog via Acting Balanced blog hop, and I am so glad I found your blog! Such an exciting time you are experiencing right now, I can't wait to follow your adventures as you continue to count down and wait for the arrival of your little one! I am a nursing student right now, and having gone through my L&D rotation, I know that all your fears are something that every mom-to-be worries about. Good luck, I can't wait to keep reading! xoxo, Erin

  3. says

    Don't worry. It will all work out one way or the other! I tore & my labor was much longer than expected & the first few weeks of motherhood were nothing like I thought they would be, but still everything worked out. That baby will come out one way or another & it will eat. Don't stress too much about breastfeeding. I found the more I relaxed, the easier it was. Although that's easier said than done, I know.You'll do great! You're going to be a great mom & it's all going to work out just the way it's meant to!! Can't wait to see pics of that beautiful baby & hear about how your birth experience is!!